I’m sorry. I’m sorry you didn’t get the perfectly filtered mom only found on Instagram. You deserve her. You deserve the carefree mama who laughs at the messes and realizes that being around the perfection of you is worth every moment of stress.
But that’s not what you got.
Most of my life I have been intrenched in a fairly well-hidden battle with anxiety. This is, in fact, the first time I have discussed this fight in such detail, but I need to for your sake. I need you to understand this issue because you need to know that IT ISN’T YOUR FAULT. When I get stressed and have to walk away for a minute to collect myself, IT ISN’T YOUR FAULT. When I have to get very quiet and focus on my own breath, IT ISN’T YOUR FAULT. This problem didn’t start with you. It is MY ISSUE and not yours. I’ve tried very hard to make it clear that it’s my cross to bear because I don’t want you to live the way I have to live.
This is an especially hard truth to share as many will no doubt comment that I just need to “pray it off of me” or scold me for not heeding what I know are multiple Biblical commands regarding fear and anxiety. I want you to know that I spend a great deal of my time praying that God will heal me, and I believe He will, but until then I am trying to understand what good could come of this…and I’m hoping that perhaps this public admission is the start of some of that good.
When you were growing in my belly, I consistently prayed one prayer over you-that you wouldn’t live in fear. I pleaded the blood of Jesus over your mind that you would not be controlled by worry the way I have been at times. I spoke against generational curses that would try and destroy you. This is why I actually rejoice at your daredevil tendencies and cheer that you have “never met a stranger”.
You are EXACTLY what I prayed for those nine months you lived within me. As long as I’m alive, I will keep declaring that you will live without worry about tomorrow. The truth is, I would gladly live the rest of my life in this prison of anxiety if it meant you never had to stay there for one day.
But staying this way is not the solution I’m looking for. Just as I spoke God’s peace and favor over you, I declare it for myself and my friends who struggle as well, because I know this sickness is not the abundant life we are entitled to.
So today, I’m holding fast to these scriptures for myself and my readers:
“I will not die but live, and will proclaim what the Lord has done.” Psalm 118:17
“…our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.” Romans 8:18
“Cast all your anxiety on him because He cares for you.” 1 Peter 5:7
“When I said, ‘My foot is slipping,’ your unfailing love, Lord, supported me. When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought me joy.” Psalm 94:18-19